Hokum Hut

Once again, our lame Congress has narrowly voted down the flag burning amendment. Why the hell didn’t it pass this time? Don’t our politicians know how important this issue is to the survival of our great nation? In a recent AP poll of 1,000 registered crazy people, 77% said they feel flag burning is the biggest threat to America’s sovereignty, right behind the Tooth Fairy and killer armies of radioactive anal probing kangaroos.

Yet flag burning has had a long and notable history in the United States. Who was the first flag burner? That distinction in fact, goes to Betsy Ross, the creator of the U.S. flag still used in schools, municipal buildings, and as white trash bandanas to this very day.

You see, the Stars n’ Stripes was not Ms. Ross’s only design. Her initial flag concept was actually a bright orange pennant with brown skid marks that contained the slogan “America: Where Europeans Go To Slaughter Indians." After a close vote, the Founding Fathers decided against that version and went with Ross’s least favorite backup design- the Stars’ n’ Stripes.

The Stars n’ Stripes flag, however, did become a huge hit, but Ross was so upset by the snub of her preferred version that she burned the American flag (and a couple hundred colonial Minutemen) in protest. A few months later, she left Washington and spent the next twenty years as a fetish prostitute for Quakers and their livestock.

By the 19th Century, however, flag-burning incidents had become extremely rare. Flags at the time could not be easily burned, as they were constructed at the time entirely from marble and dead slaves’ ankles. President James K. Polk, however, changed this during the Mexican-American War when he insisted that in order to save money for the conflict flags would be made of less expensive material. In 1847, he signed an executive order that required American flags to be constructed out of oily rags, lighter fluid, and wood kindling. Polk’s order obviously proved to be a giant blunder, as the new flags became so flammable that a person simply farting within 50 yards of the Old Glory would cause it to burst into flames (And it didn’t help that U.S. soldiers were eating tons of Mexican food either).

In recent years, however, flag burning has once again become scarce. To show you how unusual it has become, a Gallup poll had determined that in 2005 more people watched MSNBC than witnessed an actual flag burning. (7 MSNBC viewers to 3 flag burning spectators).

The last known flag burning performed in the U.S. was by William D. Morrison of Ann Arbor Michigan, who burned the flag to protest the Vietnam draft. It should be known, however, that incident occurred in 1999. And Mr. Morrison is what they call in the academic community as “extremely fucking stupid.”

But enough about history. History is for nerds and for smarty pants eggheads who know how to read. The real question is: Will flag burning ever be outlawed in this country? Probably not. The Communist transgender Wiccans who control the Supreme Court have made sure that this awful practice will continue. The Court’s last ruling on the subject was in 2004’s Flame Thrower vs. Tobey Keith's House. This was the decision that stated that flag burning was legal just as long as it didn’t occur at a gay wedding or caused a late trimester abortion.

Flag burning is appalling, but it seems like there’s nothing we Americans can do about it. That annoying and seditious First Amendment keeps getting in the goddamn way. (Curse you--High Court Pre-Op Tranny Scientologist Warlocks!)

But is all speech safeguarded by the Constitution? I don’t think so. I think speech that is dangerous or flat out treasonous should not be protected. Examples of what I consider dangerous/treasonous speech include: calling in death threats to the President, reading the New York Times out loud, talking to librarians or any other learnin’ folk, using a San-Serif font instead of Courier on Microsoft Word, asking for directions when you’re lost, calling in death threats to dead people, reading In-Style Magazine out loud, questioning Big Brother, and of course, speaking Spanish anywhere.

If, unfortunately, Americans are allowed to burn the Stars n’ Stripes (and Minutemen), I call on Congress to at least outlaw other types of flag desecration. Here are some that I think should be banned yesterday…

Wearing a T-Shirt with the Flag on it. - Let’s face it, patriotic gear isn’t even cool in a ironic sense. When people see someone with a flag T-shirt they don’t say, “Wow, look at that NYC Lower East Side hipster” they say, “Wow, look at that guy with Down Syndrome.”

Using a Flag as a Hassidic Fuck Sheet: First off, I ‘d just like to say that I respect the religious Jews and their wacky sex-through-a-sheet custom. But using the flag for this just goes too far. There should be plenty of other options (comforters, tablecloths, automobile covers, newspapers, sandpaper, pages from the Bible, etc.) in the house to use as a religious sexual novelty besides the flag. Old Glory should not be used as a glory hole.

Using a Flag as a Burka: Even Bin Laden wouldn’t have the balls to do this. This should be outlawed immediately, since anyone wearing a get-up like that will probably end up in Club Gitmo in about 10 minutes. And rightfully so.

Flag Cock Rings: There is no reason why a flag needs to hang off your scrotum. Sure, Thomas Jefferson had one of these, but he was a Founding Father and kind of a freak. I, however, for personal reasons, have no problem with flag anal plugs.

Replacing One’s Outer Layer of Skin with the American Flag: There really shouldn’t have to be a law to stop this gruesome practice, but apparently we need one. People who’ve attempted flag skin grafting in recent months include: drunken NASCAR fans, mad scientists (aka plastic surgeons who've worked on Star Jones' face), and Sean Hannity.

I think everyone can agree that the new Burger King mascot is pretty pathetic.

With his creepy-looking mask, the “King” as he’s called, gives off the vibe of a slasher movie serial killer. His mug seems to be inspired by an amalgam of evil murderer types, sort of a combination of John Wayne Gacy, the masked killer from the movie Saw, and World Bank chairman Paul Wolfowitz.

To me, the King's visage doesn't say "buy my burgers"; he says "I'd love to skin you alive, gut you like a fish, and jerk off to your skull."

Unfortunately, Burger King has gone through many different advertising campaigns over the years, all of them unsuccessful. Remember the ill-fated “Herb” campaign from the 80s? Or how about the offensive BK slogans from the early 70s -“Have it Your Way, You Selfish Prick” or “Burger King: We Still Won’t Serve The Irish”?

Burger King’s promotional movie tie-ins also always seemed off the mark. Who could forget 1993’s Schindler's List Happy Meal? As a Jew, the thing that offended me the most about the List Kid's Meal was that its Commandant Goeth action figure held a “Star Wars” light saber. A light saber? C’mon, that’s just historically inaccurate. Besides Eichmann, Goering, and Yoda, how many Nazis actually used light sabers on a daily basis?

Burger King, however, may have outdone itself with “The King”. The leading corporate mascot journal, Conde Nast’s Corporate Mascot Today, has already has voted “The King” as the worst mascot in the past fifty years, barely nudging out the disturbing “Ham-Bugger-ler” who appeared in a series of McDonald’s commercials during the early 80’s which were eventually banned in the U.S. These, of course, were the ads in which Mickey D’s revealed the disgusting origins of their “secret sauce”.

While King and Ham-Bugger-ler top the list, I’ve decided to list a few more notable mascot flops. Here are some of them...

Ciggy The Cigarette Smoking Cigarette (1952-1954)

In the early 1950’s, before the ban on cigarette company T.V. commercials, Philip Morris feverously tried to find ways to entice toddlers into the exciting world of smoking. During airings of Howdy Doody and Captain Kangaroo, "Ciggy" would claim to cigarettes contained a magic ingredient designed to give you superpowers and become, “smarter than Dick Tracy”.
Also, it was during these Ciggy commercials, that Philip Morris introduced the Marlboro pacifier, which was the first baby suckling device that could actually blow smoke rings.

The Hi-C Chick (1984)

Trying to imitate the success of the world renowned Kool Aid Man and draw on the feminine appeal of Ms. Pac Man, Hi-C Fruit Drink created their own mascot, the Hi-C Chick. Like Kool Aid Man, the Hi-C Chick also crashed through brick walls, except afterwards the Hi C Chick would sob uncontrollably.

“Please Drink Hi-C”, she would weep, “I’m just a woman and I’m very weak, so I don’t have the necessary skill sets to succeed in a justifiably male dominated world.”

Although the idea of the Hi-C Chick was conceived and focus tested by academics from the renowned Heritage Foundation, The utlrapowerful left wing Feminist and Lesbian Fruit Drink Alliance staged a national boycott of Hi-C and the Hi-C Chick was soon scuttled.

T.P. McWipey (1990)

In the late 1980’s Charmin Toilet Paper was rapidly their losing market share to Angel Soft, Cottenelle, and Lockheed Martin (the giant defense contractor had entered the industry with their Kevlar night vision ass wipes.)
"Mr. Whipple", the crusty and flatulent TV character who was the face of Charmin (and also oddly, the N.R.A.) for the prior fifteen years, seemed to be losing his popularity. Charmin retired Mr. Whipple, and introduced T.P. McWipey, a cartoon roll of toilet paper that spoke with an annoyingly high voice. Charmin’s commercials, which featured McWipey repeatedly shouting his catch phrase, “Don’t use your hands, stick me in your poop shoot!” never caught on with the public, probably because the ads ran during the dinnertime evening news.

Dell Patel (2004)

After overexposed Steven “Dude You’re Getting a Dell” Curtis's seventeenth drug arrest, (the last arrest being for selling crystal meth in NYC’s Washington Square park without the required city permit), Dell Computer decided to ashcan their mildly retarded spokesman.

Trying to find a mascot more representative of the giant computer company’s employees, Dell introduced Dell Patel, an Indian customer service representative based in Bombay. Patel, who spoke in broken English and boasted over the Dell low prices claiming, “If you can find a computer at a lower price, tell us....If we don't outsource 10,000 more American jobs within two hours, we’ll knock off $5 your next printer purchase!” Although Dell Patel did have some moderate success, he was eventually replaced by a lower cost mascot Dell TseTung from China.

Vioxx Vic: (2005)

After information surfaced about Vioxx-related deaths, corporate parent Merck quickly tried to refute any claims of negligence. Vioxx Vic soon became the mascot and pitchman for the product. His slogan “Everyone dies eventually, so why sue us for killing you?” failed to catch on, and Vioxx Vic eventually left Merck to head up the Department of Health and Human Services.